10/22/24: Bumping this up just because. We miss you.
7/28/24: It’s that time of the year where I reminisce about you. You were already on my mind before that but knowing your earthly birthday is coming up made me want to go through photos and post something.
I’ll probably come back and edit this post but for now, I just wanted to see your face.🐰
I hate how the iPhone 11 Pro Max doesn’t capture true color, I had to modify this in Photoshop to show the pastel quality of these Zeyar highlighters.
Drawn last night, I stayed up til 1:30am drawing and listening to music.
A part of me wishes there was a place where I could just dance. No one bothering me or making small talk. Spirit dancing, moving your body to music, releasing toxins. I recently watched this video of Irene Cara (RIP) and she literally looks like a spirit dancing in human form. Then you listen to the actual lyrics and she’s talking about immortality and being remembered. I swear everything takes on a different meaning when you’re older. Or actually, the message was always there; it was my own understanding that took years to catch up to the message.
I did go to a party in an undisclosed warehouse in DTLA more than 10 years ago and I did just that.
Well since I’m old and don’t know where to go anymore for such things, I just danced in my room in between drawing. That was enough for me.
18 years ago today (12/20/2006), my mom left her physical body and returned to Spirit so I’m bumping this post up. I don’t feel anything anymore but I appreciate it when she visits me through a memory or something that reminds me of her.❤️
Looking back, my suffering seems so insignificant now.
10 years ago today (12/20/2006), my mom left her physical body and returned to Spirit.
10 years later, I’m still here. I made it through the pain & suffering of not having my mom around anymore.
2006 and 4-5 years after that really felt like the hardest time of my life, but I can look back and say that it transformed me into who I am now, and who I am becoming. I mentioned this in another blog post and I will repeat it again: death is certainly the most painful of all teachers, yet at the same time it can also be life changing and transformative.
This was written 10 years ago as a reply from a user on Reddit and was shared by Reddit on their IG account recently. I had to post it here because feels.
Alright, here goes. I’m old. What that means is that I’ve survived (so far) and a lot of people I’ve known and loved did not. I’ve lost friends, best friends, acquaintances, co-workers, grandparents, mom, relatives, teachers, mentors, students, neighbors, and a host of other folks. I have no children, and I can’t imagine the pain it must be to lose a child. But here’s my two cents.
I wish I could say you get used to people dying. I never did. I don’t want to. It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I don’t want it to “not matter”. I don’t want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gouged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people who can’t see.
As for grief, you’ll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you’re drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it’s some physical thing. Maybe it’s a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it’s a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.
In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don’t even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you’ll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what’s going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything…and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.
Somewhere down the line, and it’s different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O’Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you’ll come out.
Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don’t really want them to. But you learn that you’ll survive them. And other waves will come. And you’ll survive them too. If you’re lucky, you’ll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks.
I drew this sometime last week but added some stuff last minute:
like the zodiac symbols. I am aware that I have Sagittarius & Scorpio in the wrong order, counterclockwise starting from Aries.
I was curious about when I was actually going to die so I googled ‘death astrology’ and entered my birth date – it gave me 2055. I filled out another one and it gave me 2042. I guess we’ll see, right? Live everyday as if it were your last.
I was reading something on Reddit recently. It was about Witchcraft or Psychosis – something along those lines. The person was asking when is their practice considered witchcraft and when is it considered a mental illness?
I can’t speak about the mental illness part but here’s what I will say about my experience with witchcraft / meditation or spiritual practice:
+ You must always set an intention.
+ Always call upon your highest and best guidance when tapping in – your higher self, your guides, your angels, loved ones, etc.
+ Imagination is a key component to seeing with your third eye. How do you know if you’re connecting with something else?
+ Pay attention to how you actually feel when communicating with this entity. Do you feel scared or anxious? Or calm and peaceful? Are you projecting this being from your unconscious self?
+ Grounding and anchoring yourself to this earth would probably help before traveling; meditating often to clear out any debris or baggage in your mental and emotional bodies before you begin.
+ My favorite protection mineral will always be Black Tourmaline which I like to pair up with Selenite. I also like gridding with Quartz crystals and sitting inside a circle of them.
+ Know yourself inside and out. Your strengths and weaknesses. That way when a negative thought or voice enters your mind, recognize where it’s coming from and banish it.
+ Just like with people, you have to set boundaries with these spirit beings. Which is why you must always set an intention.
+ It’s possible to self-sabotage your practice. If we are creating our reality then we are most certainly thinking of it ALL.THE.TIME. What have you been thinking about lately?
I don’t know why I’m writing about this. There were a couple of times when I was new when I started to question my sanity, but not in a way that I thought I was actually crazy although I had moments of feeling like I was. But I am aware that there are people who actually feel this way 24/7.
Some of us are more ‘open’ to these kinds of energies so you’ll have to figure out what works for you to maintain a healthy spiritual practice. It also could be that your third eye might be overactive.
Something I personally like to do is check the astro weather. I learned recently that when Neptune is making a transit in your natal horoscope – usually with the Moon – the archetypal energies are amplified – dreams, delusion, fantasy. You might even be more open to psychic impressions.
Conclusion: if you find that you can’t control what’s happening to you then it’s best to find a therapist best suited for your needs.
The death of Roxy and now a year and a half later, Tabby – I feel like – has stunted my creativity and side business pursuits. First I lost interest in Crystal Healer LA, next up is Metaphysical Vibes I think. It’s really not their fault at all but I’m feeling and experiencing the after effects. I don’t have the same energy for things; if anything I’ve been staring off into space a lot. I’ve literally been bringing Hematite and Apache Tear with me to work and it’s been helping me ground and stay in the moment (especially when driving).
I want to disappear from the internet and be anonymous, like the old days. Not to talk shit or anything, just to browse freely without someone trying to steal my personal data for marketing/advertising purposes or identity theft.
Somewhat related to this is a movie with Johnny Depp called Transcendence.
I also like the idea of creating anonymously. In that sense, you don’t have to worry about your identity, especially when it comes to people stealing your work. Not having an identity means you’re less likely to get upset about it. On another note, this is why Bitcoin is so appealing because it is decentralized; the banks don’t own it.
I’ve lost my sense of purpose and I don’t feel motivated – all the signs of grief. Right now I’m thinking to myself ‘why tf am I still here?’
I’m just trying my best to live through it and not be so hard on myself for not creating or being productive. I am grieving after all, I just don’t like to admit it.
I was tired from being on the computer at work so I came home and painted this instead of turning the computer on, which is something I want to do more often. Not saying I was off the computer entirely, I was still on my phone. I was just drawing lines and spirals but subconsciously a dimensional zodiac wheel appeared. I like it so far.
Even though I feel sad and empty, I am aware that other people are experiencing worse than me. There is always something to be grateful for, even in our pain and sorrow.
I’m pretty sure my gif art will last longer…existing forever in the digital space.
I made this in After Effects following this tutorial on YouTube, rendered a 30 second video and brought it into Photoshop, converted it into frames and saved it as a gif.
I got tired of being on the computer so I willed myself to just draw something. It started with the needles / leaves on the bottom left then the eye, then the skull, then the inverted triangle lines.
I wanted to see a neon color blend so I did so with sharpie highlighters.
Then I added the crystal points.
Roxy’s passing a year later still looms over me, especially now that we’re approaching Samhain. Everything feels so heavy and I’m not in the Halloween spirit at all.
In my birth chart report, the moon is in the 8th house and it says:
The Moon is placed in the 8th House of your birth chart suggesting that you are a sensitive person. Your emotional antennae are switched on to high . This may have something to do with an event connected to your mother or childhood.
As a result you may develop a need to understand the cycles of life and the metaphysical nature of the world. Why do people behave in the way that they do? What affect do the natural cycles have on human behaviour? What happens after death?
You’ve the ability to develop your interest in the occult world and to use your discoveries for practical results in your own and other people’s lives.
She waits for me in the ethers
Where space and time never existed
It’s peaceful, serene but lonely…even though my mother and her father keep her company
She misses her family and best friends on the earth plane
She misses her beautiful human form
She always wanted to be a sad girl
And now her wish came true
For everyone can see her
But no one can hear her no more
It’s been one year since my friend Roxy passed. I wish I had taken the day off.????
I did see a sign from her today; on my way home from work a white car in front of me had the letters “RBM” on their license plate.
I’ve been wondering why I have no energy for anything lately. And it just occurred to me that I am still heartbroken over the death of my best friend Roxy and it’s showing up energetically:
+ I don’t want to interact with people as much or have basic conversations with them.
+ I have no energy for a lot of things. Even trying to make money on the side is exhausting as it mostly requires me having to spend money to make money.
+ I go home after work and eat dinner with my husband, pet my cat and watch a little tv, then go on the internet, read and do some yoga until it’s time for bed.
+ Apparently, I’ve been looking to fill that void. Like out of nowhere I got into politics for a whole month because Andrew Yang really inspired me and got me engaged in that realm, but then he suspended his campaign. Thankfully he announced on The View today that he is starting up a non-profit where his ideas will actually be implemented, like Universal Basic Income.
+ I look at Roxy’s artwork – I have a few of her art actually but the one that I look at the most is this print of a ghost animal with a teardrop leaving its physical body buried close to a tree. I’m still somewhat floored that I was able to communicate with her around Samhain. I’ve not communicated with her like that ever since.
I haven’t written anything here for a bit and so I’m just airing out how I’ve been feeling this year.
By the way, this site might be going away soon. I can’t keep up with the payments. I’m trying to be frugal and cut out whatever I don’t need. We’ll see.
