Tag: death
bookmark_borderShe Waits For Me in the Ether
She waits for me in the ether
Where space and time never existed
It’s peaceful, serene but lonely…even though my mother and her father keep her company
She misses her family and best friends on the earth plane
She misses her beautiful human form
She always wanted to be a sad girl
And now her wish came true
For everyone can see her
But no one can hear her no more
It’s been one year since my friend Roxy passed. I wish I had taken the day off.????
I did see a sign from her today; on my way home from work a white car in front of me had the letters “RBM” on their license plate.
bookmark_borderWhat Does Low Key Grief Feel Like?
I’ve been wondering why I have no energy for anything lately. And it just occurred to me that I am still heartbroken over the death of my best friend Roxy and it’s showing up energetically:
+ I don’t want to interact with people as much or have basic conversations with them.
+ I have no energy for a lot of things. Even trying to make money on the side is exhausting as it mostly requires me having to spend money to make money.
+ I go home after work and eat dinner with my husband, pet my cat and watch a little tv, then go on the internet, read and do some yoga until it’s time for bed.
+ Apparently, I’ve been looking to fill that void. Like out of nowhere I got into politics for a whole month because Andrew Yang really inspired me and got me engaged in that realm, but then he suspended his campaign. Thankfully he announced on The View today that he is starting up a non-profit where his ideas will actually be implemented, like Universal Basic Income.
+ I look at Roxy’s artwork – I have a few of her art actually but the one that I look at the most is this print of a ghost animal with a teardrop leaving its physical body buried close to a tree. I’m still somewhat floored that I was able to communicate with her around Samhain. I’ve not communicated with her like that ever since.
I haven’t written anything here for a bit and so I’m just airing out how I’ve been feeling this year.
By the way, this site might be going away soon. I can’t keep up with the payments. I’m trying to be frugal and cut out whatever I don’t need. We’ll see.
bookmark_borderNew Dawn Fades
Still mourning off and on in this ‘in-between’ state where I’m neither happy or sad. I miss my friend. She visits me in my morning meditations, but she doesn’t say anything. She smiles and just stares at me with a little smile, listening to my inner dialogue. Perhaps I need to stop expecting her to say something and appreciate the fact the she even shows up.
We’re in the middle of a forest clearing. The trees are black and the ground is white like snow, but it isn’t cold. There’s a fire going in front of me (which is the sound I meditate to when I have Insight Timer on) and when I say her name, she shows up and is already sitting right across from me. All the bunnies she’s ever had (lots of them) are there hopping around and being cute.
She left me a comment on Facebook 10 years ago today. She knew my birthday was coming up and knew that it was hard for me still since my mom had passed away 3 years before. She was always so thoughtful and said the nicest things.
Anyways here is a photo that I took yesterday morning. I love the colors of this one.
I told her of my plans to see Aurora Borealis, hopefully by my next birthday. In my mind’s eye we both looked up and saw the lights together dancing above the forest. We held hands, it was beautiful.
bookmark_borderV of Cups & Roxy💔🐰💔
Today is a very hard day, especially driving to and then being at work. I wanted to post this on Instagram but couldn’t bring myself to do it…it’s still too soon. Except for people that already know, I’m not ready for other people to leave comments of condolences, so I’m doing it here where no one really reads my blog.
I found out yesterday late afternoon that one of my bestest friends, Roxy passed away unexpectedly on Sunday morning, October 20th.
My heart hurts so bad, no one can hardly believe this is even real. I was hoping it was a joke. Not only that but now I also have a sore throat and runny nose which makes everything even worse, literally making my chest hurt…I’m exhausted.
I pulled this card today: Five of Cups. Loss, disappointments in love and relationships. Sad emotions. In the photo is a sticker of one of Roxy’s old illustrations.
The tarot never lies, it always knows exactly what’s going on with you and reflects it back whether you are consciously aware of it or not. This one was completely obvious.
I can’t believe this happened and I miss her so much already. She was only 36. I keep expecting for her to react to one of my IG stories or for her to post a pic or a story. All I can do at this point is read old DMs and look at photos and videos of her painting with her bunny. I collected her art over the years too.
The last time I experienced overwhelming grief and sadness was when my mom passed in 2006.
Everytime I listen to this song by Lana Del Rey, I start crying uncontrollably…Roxy loved LDR and even saw her live.
I tuned in to her energy while the song was playing and the impression I got was – she felt really bad for putting us through this but she felt especially awful for her husband and kids. That she was sorry but also feeling scared. I understood, as her physical death was very unexpected. She was dressed in a beautiful white gown with her hair and makeup done, but she was in tears, looking at me. I was also in tears and she looked at me, unable to console me.
I’m really missing you right now, my friend ????
bookmark_borderOwl of Knowledge 01/08/18
Resting, observing, watching everyone from a higher place.
I blend in with my surroundings, I become one with it. I am comfortable and free in the cold night sky, hidden among the trees. My feathers keep me warm.
I find peace and freedom in solitude, I hear and see all.
The pale yellow moon is my light, illuminating the fields. Even without her, I see with perfect vision.
I see a slight movement, I can hear your tiny heart beating fast, nervous, anxious, afraid.
I am Death and I coming down on you swiftly.
My wingspan is majestic and my talons are sharp.
You won’t feel a thing.
You will die only to live again and again.
You will remember bits and pieces of a violent past, you will be drawn to certain things without fully knowing why.
You will remember. And when it all starts to make sense,
you will die again.
And will be reborn into another finite body.
The infinite cycle continues.
bookmark_borderRandom Thoughts | Seven of Cups
Our thoughts / opinions about how we live life tend to change quickly, and a lot more often these days it seems.
For example, last year I swore I wanted to buy a house. I really wanted to do it, I was reading up on a bunch of stuff related to buying a house – the homebuying process, mortgages, costs, etc. I even had some money saved along with some other monies that came my way so somehow, it felt like I was in the perfect position to become an actual homeowner. My mom always used to insist that being a homeowner was the best thing you could do for yourself. Especially since my credit is excellent.
But then recently I’ve been reading more blogs about financial freedom and being free – free from debt, free from material attachments, free from the 9 to 5; learning to be happy with less stuff, saving your money and so now, perhaps I really don’t want to have a house.
Maybe I just want to live a simple life. I have told myself over and over that I aim to live a simple life, this has been my mantra for years now.
And yet other people will convince us that we want things, repeatedly over and over again until it finally becomes our own desire. Our friends and family members will try to do this, sometimes on purpose or unintentionally. They’re excited about something and so naturally they want you to experience it too. It never occurred to me until recently that maybe homeownership was and always has been my mom’s dream and she was passing it on to me. It really was never my dream…
On the other hand, I always want to buy more things and I always want to learn and acquire more knowledge. I spend my money on stuff I want – mostly books, crystals/gemstones, tattoos, classes, etc.
How do we free ourselves of wanting more stuff?
You don’t really. Bottom line is, if you enjoy it then go ahead and buy it. And if it means spending money to have enjoyment, then do so.
Just remember that we can’t take any of this stuff when we transition (most people call it ‘death’) to the afterlife or next dimension. We can’t even take our bodies, the same bodies that we obsess about so much.
So think about what is really important to you.
As I was thinking about what image to create to pair up with this blog post, the 7 of Cups from tarot symbolism came to mind.
In tarot, the 7 of Cups represents fantasy, illusions, dreams.
bookmark_borderDeath Tarot & Sacred Symbols Oracle Card
The Death card appeared to me twice this week – first it was Death from the Sacred Symbols Oracle deck with the skull and rose at the beginning of this week on Monday, (top left)…
and then last night when I came home from work. I was sitting at my desk talking to a friend on the phone when I randomly pulled the Death card again from my HK tarot deck (bottom right).
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Edit 10/2/19: some people have asked me where I got the HK tarot deck. I got it from Etsy but I don’t think the person is making them anymore. Sorry! I’m guessing it was a bootleg and the person didn’t want to get sued by HK / Sanrio for using their images.
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I had a few other decks on the table so I decided to pull the other Death cards from them for this photo: top right is from the Albano-Waite deck and bottom left is from Camoin / Jodorowsky’s Tarot de Marseille.
The reason why I have all these tarot and oracle decks is because I am learning from them, they guide me throughout the days of the week. I feel better prepared for real life situations (whether I am consciously aware of them or not), and I admire the artwork too. The Tarot is a teacher. I’ve barely been studying the Tarot for only about 4 years now and I guess this is my method of learning; I learned that the same cards tend to come up in different decks. It probably doesn’t make sense to others, but for me it helps me to see comparisons. Consider it a double or triple confirmation. Some decks I use more frequently than others and so they end up sitting on my desk for months.
Reflecting on all the violent events so far this year made me realize even more that Death is and will always be a constant part of our lives. Someone is probably dying right now at this very moment, but we’re not aware because it’s just another day. So we only pay attention to what we see on TV and social media. We cannot dictate to Death who lives and who dies; Death doesn’t care if you’re gay, a person of color, a cop, a rich or poor person or someone of authority…
Death comes for everyone, this is the ultimate truth. Once you strip away all the complex feelings that humans attach to death – grief, sadness, hate, anger and everything in between…
there is just that, the natural part of life. It seems unnatural that a person dies at the hand of another, but at the same time this is and has been the history of human civilization. A person dies, and another one is born. It’s the cycle that keeps on going, no matter how we feel about it. The World Tarot card appeared to me this week too.
Death is certainly the most painful of all teachers. It is the one that is hard to let go of, to get over with and move on from. It’s especially painful for us who are still alive because we’re the ones who have to keep on living and remembering.
My mom passed away 10 years ago from cancer. I feel as if it was only in these last 4 years when the Tarot showed itself to me, that I started to feel like I could live again.
This is not to say that your feelings and emotions are invalid. They are valid and you have a right to feel the way you do. You can grieve and experience all the feels for as long as you need to, this is what it’s like to be human. Just know that this too shall pass, and that you have people that understand what you’re going through.
Where there is death, there is also rebirth, growth, transformation, healing, a new way of seeing things, a different perspective and so much more. The effects of death are far-reaching; peace, love, unity, justice, karma, and other cause and effects can spring from it. It really puts me in awe.
bookmark_borderYour Time Is Up – Print
Title: Your Time is Up
Dimensions: 16″x20″
This was a drawing turned into a 16″x20″ 2 color screenprint created in 2008. The bunny dies a physical death and returns to its source. The guys who did this for me did a great job, the florescent pink pops. It’s bright and bold.
Price: $20
Please inquire by sending an email to: savethesavages6@gmail.com