The death of Roxy and now a year and a half later, Tabby – I feel like – has stunted my creativity and side business pursuits. First I lost interest in Crystal Healer LA, next up is Metaphysical Vibes I think. It’s really not their fault at all but I’m feeling and experiencing the after effects. I don’t have the same energy for things; if anything I’ve been staring off into space a lot. I’ve literally been bringing Hematite and Apache Tear with me to work and it’s been helping me ground and stay in the moment (especially when driving).
I want to disappear from the internet and be anonymous, like the old days. Not to talk shit or anything, just to browse freely without someone trying to steal my personal data for marketing/advertising purposes or identity theft.
Somewhat related to this is a movie with Johnny Depp called Transcendence.
I also like the idea of creating anonymously. In that sense, you don’t have to worry about your identity, especially when it comes to people stealing your work. Not having an identity means you’re less likely to get upset about it. On another note, this is why Bitcoin is so appealing because it is decentralized; the banks don’t own it.
I’ve lost my sense of purpose and I don’t feel motivated – all the signs of grief. Right now I’m thinking to myself ‘why tf am I still here?’
I’m just trying my best to live through it and not be so hard on myself for not creating or being productive. I am grieving after all, I just don’t like to admit it.
I was tired from being on the computer at work so I came home and painted this instead of turning the computer on, which is something I want to do more often. Not saying I was off the computer entirely, I was still on my phone. I was just drawing lines and spirals but subconsciously a dimensional zodiac wheel appeared. I like it so far.
Even though I feel sad and empty, I am aware that other people are experiencing worse than me. There is always something to be grateful for, even in our pain and sorrow.
