Ugh, not the best screenshot stitch I’ve done but it’ll do. Westworld is a sci-fi show about humans and androids, technology, consciousness, death, rebirth, reincarnation, past life memory, playing God, becoming a god, the future and so much more; subjects that my air (Aquarius rising & Libra moon) signs love. We started watching in 2016 but had to cut off HBO for a couple of years. We finally caught up in 2022, just finished S4 and are now revisiting the first season.
Have you ever questioned the nature of your reality?
Does the depression, sadness and self-pity go away because the season feels lighter and brighter? Maybe we just put it on the backburner until we feel the overwhelming pull of Pluto to take us back under to brood over our sins and aggressions. The neverending balancing act between love / self-forgiveness vs self-loathing, guilt and shame. Such a beautiful mess we humans are.
Everything is a cycle. Cycle of life – death and rebirth.
I really like this drawing of a geometric flower with my bunny in shades. I miss the way I used to draw. I feel like adulthood has robbed me of so much and I feel somewhat resentful. Like, what happened to the old me who used to just draw and create all day for no reason, no purpose whatsoever?
I know a lot of these thoughts are just passing through. I know I have much to be thankful for. It just feels like insanity at times when you realize that you have 12 signs, 12 houses, 10 planets and 4 elements existing within us all – every single one of them wanting to express themselves at any given time in an infinite number of angles.
I know I keep saying this but STS will fade out, eventually. It’s just a matter of WHEN.
I am not in the sharing mindset right now. I just want to be a ghost and wander around unnoticed.
There’s a lot of Saturn / Uranus influence in my long-term horoscope. Like part of me wants to preserve what I already have (Saturn), the other part of me wants to break away from it all and start over again (Uranus). I want to save for retirement/old age (Saturn) but at the same time I really want to take a year off from working (Uranus). These two ideas have been pushing back and forth in my psyche a whole lot lately; it’s maddening I tell you when transiting Saturn is in a strong square with my natal Uranus!
Oh look it’s me :/
I do have a semi-random thought that I DO want to share:
There’s a part of me that wishes to save all the hoes. Yes, you read that right. I really wish I could provide a safe, ethical working space for sex workers – strippers, dancers, entertainers, etc. No matter how much we talk about them now, they still get treated like crap unfortunately. Of course I know nothing about the business of running a strip club whatsoever but from what I’ve observed online, the people who run these joints are for the most part sleazy and not ethical. It sucks to read this because there’s tons of sex workers who love what they do – they want to be safe and get paid fairly just like the rest of us.
– People just aren’t paying attention as much. For me personally, my attention span dips in and out. The millions of people promoting or sharing something can be taxing and I have other things on my mind these days. Maybe it’s because I’m getting old? Idk. I was also one of those people promoting or sharing something for a hot minute…I got sick of myself.
– One of the things I learned about marketing your business is that if you want people to pay attention, then you have to post A LOT. This is how people will remember you, through repetition. It’s annoying as fuck tbh but it works. Posting a lot in my opinion though, eventually leads to burnout especially if it’s not producing some kind of return (a lead or a sale of your product). I definitely felt this with my crystal shop and that’s why I haven’t posted in some time now. Although I had a couple of loyal folks who always bought crystals from me (if you’re reading this – thank you, I love & appreciate you!), the majority of my crystal sales never came from posting on Instagram anyways.
– Posting a lot won’t necessarily bring the results you want. If anything, the majority of people just want to be entertained by what you post. They don’t always want to buy, which is why I think the shop section of IG is pointless. I’m definitely one of those people who also rejects a lot of ads (most of them are irrelevant anyway)…which is why it’s hard for me to do ads for my own business. Too critical for my own good.
– I haven’t been very successful with my own entrepreneurial endeavors; thanks to the neverending pandemic, I kinda gave up on it. I tried it, but wasn’t built for it. Did the universe spare me from struggling and putting myself in a situation I didn’t really want to be in? Probably. That or being programmed to be an employee for life has taken its toll.
– As usual, I’m bored with everything that I’m doing and I don’t know what’s next for me. A friend did a channeled card reading for me recently and also sensed my eternal state of boredom. Sigh. Anyways, here’s an excerpt from Mystic Medusa‘s Astral DNA Report aka her take on my natal chart that at least gives me some clues as to why I can’t just settle as a “personal brand”:
Neptune House X
Their public image can be mysterious: an alias, nom de plume or a brand conceals the true persona. Tenth House Neptune people are adrift in an ocean of treacherous career currents until they find or create their true vocation. Their c.v. is peppered with surreal episodes, a twilight zone of enigmatic gigs and of course, quite a few off-c.v. escapades. Whatever their official occupation, their title is really “magician” or “rainmaker.”
I’m posting this video because I want to save it here. I also want to talk about Chiron for some reason. What do the two have in common? Horses – being that Chiron is a centaur in Greek mythology.
More importantly (at least for me) is that in my birth chart, Chiron is in my third house in Taurus.
If the third house represents communication, it means that I have trouble talking, or speaking or saying things outloud. This is true, as I am an introvert to the core. I’m not very talkative.
Chiron represents the Wounded Healer in astrology, meaning everyone has a Chiron in their chart; everyone has a deep wound that they carry with them in this life that they have to work on healing.
I just discovered this recently which makes a whole lot of sense now, a breakthrough actually:
The person with Chiron in Taurus will be afraid of losing something, whether it be safety, money, possessions, abundance, or love. The typical Chiron in Taurus will go to any lengths to avoid losing their home, their routine, the people close to them, their favorite possessions, their money, etc. Even if everything seems very permanent in their life, they will always be scared of some unexpected loss.
This resonates with me So.Damn.Much. Without going into too much detail, even though I have worked for other people most of my life I have always dreamt of being financially independent, like free from a job. I wanted to freelance; didn’t last very long. I wanted to tattoo; that didn’t happen. I wanted to have a small business; I’m barely even making it.
I can’t seem to do the things no matter how much effort I put into it. Not to say this is always true, but I try and fail A LOT it seems.
Or I just lose interest.
So yeah, that is my wound. I am afraid to not have resources and so I stay working. I’ve learned to work with this wound by accepting that I am meant to be working where I work. It is not creatively stimulating 24/7 but I am good at it; it has also given me the resources to be the provider and to live a life that is good. I’m also able to give to others freely. That is all I can ask for.
On the upside, I have found that learning astrology has been really good for me. This time though, I’m not trying to be an astrologer or be anything to anyone anymore…like that time I was trying to be a healer. Looking back I feel silly about it now tbh but for one reason or another, IT HAD to be expressed. That was the quality of that time period, where everyone and their mom wanted to be a healer including myself.
To be fair and not be so harsh on myself, my friend did pass away in Oct 2019.
Then 2020 came along and said ‘nope’! Being of service to others is not for me, not this year.
Then 2021 came and my cat had to be put to sleep.
I’m just learning for myself for once. And there is A LOT to learn and my Aquarius ascendant really likes it.
As a matter of fact, I’m learning so much by practice – interpreting people’s chart aspects on Reddit. So many people have questions and post their charts daily…
it’s almost as if getting suspended on Twitter led me to this, a blessing in disguise.
Anyways here is an old, rough drawing of a centaur, which I must’ve drawn when I had green hair. I’ve drawn centaurs a few times because me = Sagittarius.
I drew this sometime last week but added some stuff last minute:
like the zodiac symbols. I am aware that I have Sagittarius & Scorpio in the wrong order, counterclockwise starting from Aries.
I was curious about when I was actually going to die so I googled ‘death astrology’ and entered my birth date – it gave me 2055. I filled out another one and it gave me 2042. I guess we’ll see, right? Live everyday as if it were your last.
I was reading something on Reddit recently. It was about Witchcraft or Psychosis – something along those lines. The person was asking when is their practice considered witchcraft and when is it considered a mental illness?
I can’t speak about the mental illness part but here’s what I will say about my experience with witchcraft / meditation or spiritual practice:
+ You must always set an intention.
+ Always call upon your highest and best guidance when tapping in – your higher self, your guides, your angels, loved ones, etc.
+ Imagination is a key component to seeing with your third eye. How do you know if you’re connecting with something else?
+ Pay attention to how you actually feel when communicating with this entity. Do you feel scared or anxious? Or calm and peaceful? Are you projecting this being from your unconscious self?
+ Grounding and anchoring yourself to this earth would probably help before traveling; meditating often to clear out any debris or baggage in your mental and emotional bodies before you begin.
+ My favorite protection mineral will always be Black Tourmaline which I like to pair up with Selenite. I also like gridding with Quartz crystals and sitting inside a circle of them.
+ Know yourself inside and out. Your strengths and weaknesses. That way when a negative thought or voice enters your mind, recognize where it’s coming from and banish it.
+ Just like with people, you have to set boundaries with these spirit beings. Which is why you must always set an intention.
+ It’s possible to self-sabotage your practice. If we are creating our reality then we are most certainly thinking of it ALL.THE.TIME. What have you been thinking about lately?
I don’t know why I’m writing about this. There were a couple of times when I was new when I started to question my sanity, but not in a way that I thought I was actually crazy although I had moments of feeling like I was. But I am aware that there are people who actually feel this way 24/7.
Something I personally like to do is check the astro weather. I learned recently that when Neptune is making a transit in your natal horoscope – usually with the Moon – the archetypal energies are amplified – dreams, delusion, fantasy. You might even be more open to psychic impressions.
Conclusion: if you find that you can’t control what’s happening to you then it’s best to find a therapist best suited for your needs.
I really like these Zeyar highlighters. The colors are pastel and have less intensity compared to the Sharpie brand. I guess I’m wondering to myself why tf didn’t I get these sooner? Anyways, I love them and have been highlighting and doodling my daily calendar / journal with them.
Today marks 2 months since we decided to put Tabby to sleep. The house feels less empty, but still feels like it’s missing something.
I would love to have a British Shorthair cat, I’ve wanted one forever. But they’re expensive and I’m not sure if I’m ready to shell out that kind of money yet. I also don’t have any experience with kittens and I’ve read that it’s time consuming. Tabby was my first cat ever. I also read up that if I were to get a BSH kitten, I would have to take 2 kittens so they won’t get lonely. Lots to consider there.
My goal is to be debt free in a couple of years, let’s see if I can achieve that…
I suck at posting on social media and can go weeks without posting now. I know I’m not but I feel old, cynical & grumpy. Ancient, if you will. I guess I’m embracing Saturn more and more these days. I’m having a hard time keeping up with the amount of stories people post on Instagram. Sorry if I haven’t been paying attention.
The Saturnian period lasts from a person’s forty-second to their forty-ninth year and marks the end of their natural growth. By the time a person has completed their first half-century, they have thoroughly determined the type of human being they are going to be…
By now they should have achieved a measure of self-discipline and be of sound and mature judgement. However, if the previous stages have not been fulfilled, they will find themselves verging on depression and decline.
Being a Sagittarius Sun, I’m naturally optimistic. Please don’t mistake my personality for “positive vibes” though – I’ll roll my eyes at you.
But lately, I’ve just been…
– sad
– depressed
– bored
– isolated
– feeling stuck
– feeling way too serious
– more concerned about my health and how to preserve it
Yeah, seriously. I was thinking again to myself ‘fuck, am I having a midlife crisis right now’ because it’s about that time. Mid 40’s. And it could be because I’m having feelings of boredom and stuckness.
VIII of Swords and IX of Swords type of vibe. I pulled those exact cards this week after not pulling cards for a while.
Saturn will discipline you and keep you restricted.
Saturn in Capricorn did this to me last year. It was trying to be my father and tell me I wasn’t shit. That everything I was doing was a waste of time. Like, where do these ancient, paternal/maternal ‘voices’ suddenly come from? Making you doubt yourself? Making you feel inadequate? Making you feel small and not-so-confident? That’s Saturn.
This year, of course Pisces energy amplifies it even more. All of this was going on in my head but it felt real. The output of emotions were real.
You’re not going crazy my dear, it’s all in your chart!
Having Neptune in the mix just makes everything more…nebulous. I feel dreamy but also lost and confused.
I hope this helps if you’re feeling heavy lately and not feeling fully like yourself. Look to the planets transiting your natal chart. It will give you some relief, but you’ll still feel crazy or attract it.
Many people don’t believe in astrology because it’s purely psychological; you can’t see it but you’ll definitely feel it.
The app I use is Time Passages.
p.s. for anyone who is wondering – I am okay, truly.❤️ I am pretty good at being able to see beyond myself and see a different perspective.
Edit: wanted to add some additional insights to this post. It’s true that while Saturn isn’t super fun, you can still benefit from Saturnian energy. For example, perhaps maybe you do need discipline – whether you’re trying to eat more healthy or change a habit (which in my case, yes) or you need to be restricted for a bit (which is also a yes for me because I’ve been spending money left & right).
Conclusion: you can still find opportunity or something good in a planet that’s not exactly known for being good-natured.
The death of Roxy and now a year and a half later, Tabby – I feel like – has stunted my creativity and side business pursuits. First I lost interest in Crystal Healer LA, next up is Metaphysical Vibes I think. It’s really not their fault at all but I’m feeling and experiencing the after effects. I don’t have the same energy for things; if anything I’ve been staring off into space a lot. I’ve literally been bringing Hematite and Apache Tear with me to work and it’s been helping me ground and stay in the moment (especially when driving).
I want to disappear from the internet and be anonymous, like the old days. Not to talk shit or anything, just to browse freely without someone trying to steal my personal data for marketing/advertising purposes or identity theft.
Somewhat related to this is a movie with Johnny Depp called Transcendence.
I also like the idea of creating anonymously. In that sense, you don’t have to worry about your identity, especially when it comes to people stealing your work. Not having an identity means you’re less likely to get upset about it. On another note, this is why Bitcoin is so appealing because it is decentralized; the banks don’t own it.
I’ve lost my sense of purpose and I don’t feel motivated – all the signs of grief. Right now I’m thinking to myself ‘why tf am I still here?’
I’m just trying my best to live through it and not be so hard on myself for not creating or being productive. I am grieving after all, I just don’t like to admit it.
I was tired from being on the computer at work so I came home and painted this instead of turning the computer on, which is something I want to do more often. Not saying I was off the computer entirely, I was still on my phone. I was just drawing lines and spirals but subconsciously a dimensional zodiac wheel appeared. I like it so far.
Even though I feel sad and empty, I am aware that other people are experiencing worse than me. There is always something to be grateful for, even in our pain and sorrow.
I don’t normally embed Instagram posts – I always think they will disappear somehow and then I’d have to delete this but this one was worth embedding because I want to remember it – both the image and the caption – for as long as it exists. I still don’t know much about asteroids but I’ll get there eventually.
