Everyone’s waiting for me to start painting again…
including me.
It’s bullshit to wait til you’re inspired because when that actually happens
you’re either at work or on the computer or on your phone or washing dishes or feeding the cat or doing laundry or shredding years of paper bills.
I have no one to blame but myself for my lack of artistic pursuits lately.
But then again we’re in a fucking pandemic.
I don’t want to paint roses, women, etc…been there, done that.
So I wait and wait and wait…
Do you ever mourn the person that you once were?
It’s a trip how one’s ego motivates you for a long time. For over 20 years, painting graffiti was all I ever gave a shit about. That and making sure my profession was somewhat creative.
Then my mom died in 2006 and even though I still painted, the desire to paint consistently started to fade away. I’m not going into details, but other people ruined it for me too.
Your consciousness changes over time. You are the same person but different.
I didn’t realize that I would also experience a death of some sorts, but I did. I’ve died over and over.
Copied and pasted from my birth chart report:
Your Sun is in the 10th House of your birth chart meaning that you’re the sort of person who likes to make your mark on the world, in particular through your profession.
The Sun is in Sagittarius
Your Sun is in the Zodiac Sign of Sagittarius indicating that you’re a sunny and optimistic individual, with a love of adventure. In fact adventure plays a key role in your life, whether it be literally traveling around the globe, or metaphorically speaking exploring the world of ideas and philosophy. You’re particularly enthusiastic about anything that expands your world and helps you forget about daily chores.
I got tired of being on the computer so I willed myself to just draw something. It started with the needles / leaves on the bottom left then the eye, then the skull, then the inverted triangle lines.
I wanted to see a neon color blend so I did so with sharpie highlighters.
Then I added the crystal points.
Roxy’s passing a year later still looms over me, especially now that we’re approaching Samhain. Everything feels so heavy and I’m not in the Halloween spirit at all.
In my birth chart report, the moon is in the 8th house and it says:
The Moon is placed in the 8th House of your birth chart suggesting that you are a sensitive person. Your emotional antennae are switched on to high . This may have something to do with an event connected to your mother or childhood.
As a result you may develop a need to understand the cycles of life and the metaphysical nature of the world. Why do people behave in the way that they do? What affect do the natural cycles have on human behaviour? What happens after death?
You’ve the ability to develop your interest in the occult world and to use your discoveries for practical results in your own and other people’s lives.
She waits for me in the ethers
Where space and time never existed
It’s peaceful, serene but lonely…even though my mother and her father keep her company
She misses her family and best friends on the earth plane
She misses her beautiful human form
She always wanted to be a sad girl
And now her wish came true
For everyone can see her
But no one can hear her no more
It’s been one year since my friend Roxy passed. I wish I had taken the day off.????
I did see a sign from her today; on my way home from work a white car in front of me had the letters “RBM” on their license plate.
I’ve not talked about my affiliate marketing journey on here, as I have yet to make money from it. But I feel like I need to now, just to document all the shit I’ve had to do just to get it to this point.
5 years ago, I bought an adult domain. It had all the right keywords so I bought it. It turned out that that domain had some risky history that came along with it – Google decided that the domain was pure spam so it penalized me, giving me a manual spam label which I had no idea how to fix so I had to work on that just to have it revoked.
It worked and I was so elated. First obstacle down.
At the same time I didn’t really know what I was doing with what I had set up, so I halted everything. I kind of regret it now that everything is saturated but again, I was clueless about the affiliate marketing game even though I had purchased the playbook that would help me do it step by step and secondly: even though I spent money to test it, I was still scared about spending big chunks of money.
I’m still clueless tbh, but not as clueless as I was 5 years ago.
5 years later, I started it up again and now I’m dealing with a site with malware (obstacle 2). I had taken care of it mostly by making sure the site was clean and secure, but still had one more thing to pass.
My traffic source said my site still had malware, so I had to do one more thing (obstacle 3). And thankfully, it worked within the timeframe I was given.
I know none of this isn’t very detailed (I’m sure those in IM – internet marketing – will get it) but the point is:
if we want to achieve our goals – whatever they may be, we’re gonna be faced with other challenges along the way BEFORE we actually reach our goal.
Expect it and keep pushing anyways.
And when we reach our goal, we STILL have to maintain it somehow.
The process and the effort of trying to make it all work together will be tiring, as there are different parts that have to connect for all of it to work. Pace yourself and take a break from it whenever you need to.
You don’t have to rush to make it happen but you have to keep going because you’ve already gone too far and spent money to set it all up.
So that’s where I’m currently at. I’m just typing it out for my sanity.
The title of the post is appropriate because it’s what I wrote down after I completed my third obstacle, for now. Also, I didn’t know what photo to attach so I copied and pasted some Wingdings.
I also purchased my birth chart report – it indicated somewhere in the report that I was courageous and liked to take a few risks in life. Could this be one of them?
My Only Fans isn’t poppin and here’s why:
Become or do the opposite of the 3 I just mentioned above and I’m 100% sure your Only Fans will be POPPIN. (Don’t know why I picked “poppin” – it seemed the most appropriate word).
My reason for this is that I simply would rather be low key about it. If I start promoting heavy like everyone else then I will for sure attract creeps and rudeass subscribers who will demand shit from me and I really don’t want that.
Most people are lured by money but can’t see that there’s a price to pay for it. I would rather have my peace & privacy (whatever that actually means). I don’t think I can handle the fame, rude comments and lack of privacy. I can see that some of these girls are already suffering from it.
So I’m taking it slow and not forcing myself to do anything I don’t feel comfortable doing.
If you do go on Only Fans, or any of these platforms (there are more now that are springing up btw with better payouts) – be sure that you’re not doing it for the money. Otherwise you’ll be disappointed.
Do it because you like making content and that it’s a creative outlet for you.
Based on my observations so far, the ones who are making bank from Only Fans have a huge following on Twitter, Instagram or YouTube. And they’re young and attractive. And they’re showing nudes.
I’ve only found someone on Only Fans close to my age; she’s a few years older than me and is successful and that would be Sinnamon Love and Tera Patrick. The only difference is that they’re retired porn stars with huge followings and I’m just a nobody.
To be continued…
Here’s a trippy animated gif that I made – I drew the triangles in Photoshop with my Wacom tablet, animated them and added some light in the middle. I wish I could remember how I actually did it though.
These last few months has left me feeling jaded about the spiritual community. From spiritual bypassing to fake Instagram gurus, to false spiritual “influencers”…
I know it’s nothing really new but on top of a pandemic / economic depression / apocalyptic times maybe that’s why I’m not as vested in Crystal Healer LA as much as I was before. My relationship with Reiki has also changed as I’m learning to decolonize my spiritual practice, which is complex. I still love crystals though and believe 100% in their healing abilities, I just don’t know where I belong in all of this.
Perhaps that’s why I respect and admire the Devil so much; even though he/she/it is a made up figure it still represents a powerful, opposing force. Last night as I was going to sleep, I pulled the Devil tarot (the third card of 3) from the Labyrinthos app.
At least the Devil, who is a symbol of our shadow / aspect of our true and unconscious desires – won’t lie to us. Of course we will spend half our lives denying it, but if you look at your life thus far – your unconscious was really running the show all along. Please read Existential Kink by Carolyn Elliott.
Here’s an old drawing that I did, scanned and altered in Photoshop. At the time of this drawing, I wanted to be a tattoo artist so I was heavily influenced by Sailor Jerry’s flash. You can see that i borrowed the demon head from him.
Hail Satan.
I know I probably tend to confuse people – as I’m ALWAYS starting up new Instagrams and trying things – I currently have 5 and that’s just for my personal projects.????
I am that eternal fire, a Sagittarius Sun with my home planet being Jupiter – constantly searching for freedom and expansion. Constantly wanting to express different aspects of myself, as I’ve come to realize that now.
It used to frustrate me to no end as to why I can never finish things or be consistent for once. I hated it and would berate myself.
Have you ever known fire to burn consistently? Of course not.
I am understanding myself more as I get older and accepting myself fully. I’ll be 43 in December.
I hope you are too.
This was me from 5 years ago. Even though I had already stopped painting graffiti, I was still trying to be anonymous on the internet and wasn’t comfortable showing my face.
Just know that it takes YEARS to be comfortable in your own skin. It takes time to love and get to know ourselves. Once we truly know ourselves, no one can say anything to us anymore. No one can really hurt us.
If anything, I have learned to open my heart and give with my money.
Ironic given that the whole purpose – at least I thought it was MY purpose – was to make money with the crystal shop. And I definitely have and I’m super thankful.
What I didn’t expect was that I would be giving a lot more.
I’m learning to work with money in a way that I haven’t before. For a long time, I lived in scarcity mode meaning I always hoarded money. I always felt like I never had enough. So I was stingy with it even though I had more than enough.
Lately though, I noticed it just comes back to me naturally whenever I give it.
Ever since Covid hit I’ve been tipping witches online and / or buying their products and I am definitely seeing a benefit of doing that.
Some of these Auras are available at my crystal shop by the way, the Money Drawing Ritual Conjure Oil is from Mētztli aka The Revolutionary Mystic’s shop.
Missing my best friend Roxy every fucking day. Not a day goes by where I don’t think about her. October 20th will be a year since she transitioned. I wonder if she will visit us on Samhain.????
This song – Kapila’s Theme by Om always takes me somewhere else. I only listen to it when I’m driving to work.
Sight to freedom rises descender.
Ground to screen of the seer, the sight, and the seen.
Up to obviate the sentinel and ground prevails.
Fuse to seed at the flight into absalom.
Perhaps not being on Twitter is good for me, I am less distracted and reading and writing more. I really was on there mostly for work but then work & personal kind of started crossing over to each other. I don’t know, I guess that was my fault for allowing it to happen.
For this new moon, I re-commited myself to writing for 20 minutes a day again. I was doing it earlier this year but fell off.
Current books I’m reading:
Reiki and Japan: A Cultural View of Western and Japanese Reiki
Let me just say that this book has clarified and confirmed a lot of things for me. If you’ve been reading my weird & confusing experiences with Reiki, then you’ll understand.
Way of the Ancient Healer: Sacred Teachings from the Philippine Ancestral Traditions
This one is also really good, as the author blends history, culture, spirituality, shamanism, metaphysics, psychology.
