I’m having a hard time moving the fuck on. I know it’s all in the mind but a part of me feels like I’m leaving my best friend behind. 15+ years of friendship.
It’s still too soon.
And I still can’t believe it.
I’m sad but I have no tears.
She feels farther away from me now, she hasn’t joined me in my meditations for the last 2 weeks. It’s almost as if she ascended to the next level of her spiritual journey, where the vibrations are higher and it’s harder to stay in contact with those in the physical realm.
Regardless, I will always love and cherish you forever and ever.
Still mourning off and on in this ‘in-between’ state where I’m neither happy or sad. I miss my friend. She visits me in my morning meditations, but she doesn’t say anything. She smiles and just stares at me with a little smile, listening to my inner dialogue. Perhaps I need to stop expecting her to say something and appreciate the fact the she even shows up.
We’re in the middle of a forest clearing. The trees are black and the ground is white like snow, but it isn’t cold. There’s a fire going in front of me (which is the sound I meditate to when I have Insight Timer on) and when I say her name, she shows up and is already sitting right across from me. All the bunnies she’s ever had (lots of them) are there hopping around and being cute.
She left me a comment on Facebook 10 years ago today. She knew my birthday was coming up and knew that it was hard for me still since my mom had passed away 3 years before. She was always so thoughtful and said the nicest things.
Anyways here is a photo that I took yesterday morning. I love the colors of this one.
I told her of my plans to see Aurora Borealis, hopefully by my next birthday. In my mind’s eye we both looked up and saw the lights together dancing above the forest. We held hands, it was beautiful.
And over time, we are allowed to change our opinions about things.
I’m writing this because I know I’ve written about my Reiki experience a few times, said I wasn’t going to use it anymore yet here I am…still using it and sharing it with people who come to me wanting to receive Reiki.
I’ve come to the conclusion that ultimately, you are the only one in control of what’s right for you. I might’ve gotten influenced by a more powerful witch who tried to persuade others that a certain way of healing is the only way, while the rest is corrupt / distorted. That was a couple of years ago; perhaps she has changed her beliefs on it as well.
And while I may have believed it at the time, I do not believe it now.
Everything is a learning experience; I feel that I exposed myself to those things because my soul wanted to teach me to rely on my own intuition.
Here are the posts I was referring to that may seem contradictory now. But my experiences at the time were real and so I had to write about it:
If you are reading this – in no way, shape or form am I telling you to NOT get attuned to Reiki – you have to make that decision for yourself. I am just documenting my experience and sharing on this blog of mine.
I will say this again: do not follow the crowd, question everything. I am still on the fence about ascended masters being that I am not familiar with a lot of them, especially the ones on Doreen Virtue’s cards (whom she renounced). Not saying they don’t exist, only to each their own. Trust your own experiences.
Think of the Yin Yang symbol – it consists of 2 parts – one part is dark with a white dot in it, the other is light with a dark spot in it. And while each part seems separate, it is still part of the whole – the circle.
I’m just writing this based on personal experience. I’m writing this because I’ve had a couple of experiences recently that felt like spirit communication. It happened with two people that I love who have passed on from their physical bodies: my mom and my best friend, Roxy.
Spirit communication sounds scary, but it really doesn’t have to be. Remember, we are all spirits too – energy with a consciousness – it just so happens that we are still in our physical bodies.
As some of you may know, I’ve been developing my psychic abilities. And in order to become psychic, you must learn to meditate.
The book I’m reading suggests that you can meditate with music to engage psychic visions, and so that’s exactly what I did: play a particular piece of music that that person loved when they were still around.
I want to mention that on both occasions, I wasn’t expecting it to happen. But it did.
When I did it playing Lana Del Rey’s ‘Young and Beautiful’, Roxy came through.
So how do I know it’s real? It was real because I was crying uncontrollably. If you have a strong emotional bond with that person, then you will know that it’s real.
Another way to know it’s real is when you can see it with your third eye, when you are able to describe details – what the person is wearing, where you are at and what is happening. It’s similar to dreaming, except you are conscious and aware.
I also want to mention that the spirit of the person may not talk to you directly, but send you a psychic message. Or they may not say anything to you at all but communicate with you visually. You might feel scared at first – since in the spiritual realm anything goes, you will see more than you anticipated, forcing you to face your own fears and old beliefs.
So before you try this on your own, make sure you are spiritually grounded and have some experience meditating; yes, you will feel strong emotions like I did (especially if the person just recently died), but be sure to remain present meaning you have to have one foot in your physical reality while you’re in the spirit realm. Say a prayer before you begin, asking for guidance & protection. This is different from a regular meditation in that you are actually seeing with your mind’s eye and interacting with the spirit.
Today is a very hard day, especially driving to and then being at work. I wanted to post this on Instagram but couldn’t bring myself to do it…it’s still too soon. Except for people that already know, I’m not ready for other people to leave comments of condolences, so I’m doing it here where no one really reads my blog.
I found out yesterday late afternoon that one of my bestest friends, Roxy passed away unexpectedly on Sunday morning, October 20th.
My heart hurts so bad, no one can hardly believe this is even real. I was hoping it was a joke. Not only that but now I also have a sore throat and runny nose which makes everything even worse, literally making my chest hurt…I’m exhausted.
I pulled this card today: Five of Cups. Loss, disappointments in love and relationships. Sad emotions. In the photo is a sticker of one of Roxy’s old illustrations.
The tarot never lies, it always knows exactly what’s going on with you and reflects it back whether you are consciously aware of it or not. This one was completely obvious.
I can’t believe this happened and I miss her so much already. She was only 36. I keep expecting for her to react to one of my IG stories or for her to post a pic or a story. All I can do at this point is read old DMs and look at photos and videos of her painting with her bunny. I collected her art over the years too.
The last time I experienced overwhelming grief and sadness was when my mom passed in 2006.
I tuned in to her energy while the song was playing and the impression I got was – she felt really bad for putting us through this but she felt especially awful for her husband and kids. That she was sorry but also feeling scared. I understood, as her physical death was very unexpected. She was dressed in a beautiful white gown with her hair and makeup done, but she was in tears, looking at me. I was also in tears and she looked at me, unable to console me.
I’m really missing you right now, my friend ????
Roxy and I at her art show in Las Vegas, Sept 2016
I keep this blog, this website, this identity because I feel safe here. I feel less restricted in being able to say what I want to say and not have to dumb it down or make it less weird for everyone else. This is me talking to me.
I have separate accounts and separate aliases because you can’t lump yourself into one thing, at least in my opinion. You have to put yourself into categories that are digestible for people. From a metaphysical perspective, this is how Consciousness manifests itself – it is One thing broken up into a billion pieces, experiencing itself. That is us, that is what we do.
Anyway, here is my latest drawing for Inktober 2019. The prompt is: ring. I really like how it turned out. Instead of being hard on myself for not drawing on a regular basis, I am learning to appreciate my sporadic moments where I am motivated and can create something that I like.
At this point, I don’t care if other people like it anymore.
I’ve been thinking about this more and more lately, and the thought really hasn’t gone away so I’m going to just type it out here.
I’m thinking that once I sell everything, I will not restock on more crystals for the shop. As much as I love crystals and stones, part of me feels like I’m contributing to the exploitation of the earth. So I’m going to stop or cut back.
I’m also aware that none of this is really going to stop, that people are going to keep mining, selling minerals and there will be buyers. As the world turns. On the other hand, one of the people I learn from recently said that crystals have their own karmic route so…yeah. I guess we’ll see.
It’s been an interesting 2 years of experimentation with building up this crystal shop and I’ve learned a lot about myself. I learned that I don’t like to be pushy and manipulative so obviously it takes longer to sell minerals but I’m fine with that. I also don’t like the competitiveness of it all so I think I will find ways to exploit my damn self with all the skills that I have.
I also think people just aren’t spending as much.
I’m still thinking about Patreon but I need to build up a bigger audience before I jump on it.
Why can’t I just be patient and watch something I’ve been growing and putting energy into become a thing? Is it my astro makeup that makes me this way…
Like for example, I am and have been getting bored with sellling crystals. I think it probably shows. I am also getting bored with trying to get clients for crystal healing and/or reiki. I’m not giving up, it just gets tiring I guess.
I know there’s nothing wrong with me, but I still can’t help but feel that I can get so disinterested with something so quickly and it bugs me. Is it Cancer season, making me feel inconsistent and wishy washy…seriously, what the fuck. Is it all these cosmic energies making me feel out of whack?
I guess I will never know.?
On the upside, since I’ve not been spending money as much and since my rent went up by $100, I’ve been revisiting old books that I have at home and re-reading them, like “You Are Psychic” by Debra Lynne Katz. At the time I bought the book, it was a hard book to read. 7 years later I feel like as if it ties in nicely with the work I’m doing now.
Anyway, here’s a large, satisfying animated gif of bubbles I created in After Effects a few years ago.
Summer, my least favorite season especially this year since the A/C has not been working for 3 weeks now…but at least the traffic is light and there are less people around.
I really wish I had this sweater because I’d probably wear it 24/7.
I switched gears yet again, typical Sagittarius. I’m starting to accept that this is who I am, that I can’t stick to one thing. Been playing around and trying to learn Adobe Premiere Pro and After Effects, but now I feel like I might need a newer computer to handle the more graphic intensive stuff. Anyways, I’m just experimenting and having fun. Check out my YouTube channel for my crystal shop here to see what I’ve been up to.
I’m still thinking about starting up a Patreon but have no idea what to offer – animated gifs, digital art, Photoshop tutorials, meditation videos?
